I was shocked to discover that I’m a highly sensitive person (HSP). A few years ago, someone gifted me Dr. Elaine N. Aron’s book, The Highly Sensitive Person. It was my first encounter with this personality trait, and it described me perfectly. Initially, the word ‘sensitive’ put me off due to its negative connotations; in my mind, it equated to weakness.
An HSP is someone who processes sensory information more deeply than others. This trait, affecting about 15–20% of the population, is characterized by heightened awareness, emotional reactivity, and a tendency to become overwhelmed in stimulating environments.
Looking back, I see my journey and where I could have done things differently. Here, I share some of my HSP journey to help you find your way.
Recognizing this trait in yourself, your partner, or your child could greatly improve both your life and your relationships.
1. Better Understanding Myself
The book set me on a new path of self-discovery, suddenly making my world make sense. I finally understood why my energy depleted quickly, why I could be highly irritated, and how I could be both introverted and extroverted. One day, I can be the center of attention and the next, not want to interact with anyone. My emotions are deep, thus exaggerated. With high empathy, I often find myself crying with a stranger over their story. I get highly upset when I see or even hear disturbing things and take weeks, sometimes months, to get over it.
My childhood also became clear. In first grade, I hid during breaks and didn’t make friends for a while. I felt embarrassed and thought something was wrong with me. Now, I understand that the noise and chaos during breaks overwhelmed me. I was the odd one out in my family as well and felt misunderstood. Knowing why I acted or reacted in certain ways has helped me look back at myself with more grace.
Being an HSP means that I can concentrate deeply, spot small differences, easily read people, and understand what they think and feel. Sensitive people often possess great creativity, insight, and passion. This trait has contributed largely to my career and has allowed me to build several businesses with my husband, all based on helping, coaching, and teaching other people, making a difference by improving lives.
Understanding myself better was an epiphany. I realized how important self-care is and how miserably I had failed at it. I used to be very hard on myself, always pushing, never realizing how much I needed self-compassion and care.
2. Self-care
An overly tired mind and body didn’t need to push through but needed rest. Pushing myself too much or being out too much led to a snowball effect. I’d become snappy and irritated, leading to overstimulation, overwhelm, or exhaustion. Reacting in ways I’d later regret brought guilt and shame. By neglecting self-care, I didn’t help myself or those around me.
Once I implemented self-care strategies, things started to improve. I stopped pushing myself so hard and allowed myself space and time to recharge and recover after a busy day or week.
Support
I need to mention that my husband supported and pushed me to take care of myself. Without him, I’m not sure how far I would have gotten. Having a close friend makes it easier, and being held accountable to stick to the changes is invaluable.
Don’t struggle on your own; use your support system. I tend to withdraw when I face challenges, but this is a mistake.
Taking time off was a big step for me, as I hardly allowed myself toilet breaks at work. I used to eat my lunch quickly at my desk. At my husband’s suggestion, I started eating elsewhere to break away from work. Tea breaks became little windows of calm, mindful moments. I savored my cup in silence, away from my desk. These changes made a significant difference.
Strategies
Learning to check in with myself was essential to stop the snowball effect before it got bad. It’s good to take time to do this each day, and even several times a day if needed. Setting boundaries and routines was pivotal; this included journaling, meditation, prayer, relaxing tea breaks, and being outdoors in the garden, walking in nature, or scuba-diving. Find what works for you, as it may differ in certain circumstances.
Distinguishing between my emotions and those of others remains challenging. However, I am aware of how I take on the feelings or moods of others, which makes it easier to identify. Journaling helps me reflect on my day and spot things like this.
Mistakes
One of my mistakes was trying to implement strict routines. Instead of maintaining balance, it became a burdensome stressor. Flexibility is necessary to make it work. Life happens; give yourself space and don’t be pushy with your self-care. That defeats the purpose.
3. Finding Balance
I needed to get off this rollercoaster. Finding balance was harder than expected. I found myself swinging between extremes: when I became overstimulated, overwhelmed, or hit an energy deficit, it could take days to recover.
This made me feel weak and like a slacker at work because I couldn’t maintain the high pace I had set for myself. Taking time or a day off was difficult because I felt I wasn’t contributing sufficiently. My perfectionism complicated both my work and my relationships.
Beware of the perfectionism monster; it will prevent you from finding balance.
Fighting against Myself
Instead of viewing my high sensitivity as an asset, I realized I resented being an HSP. I often wished I wasn’t highly sensitive and wondered what life was like for people who weren’t overly emotional, didn’t experience sensory overload, and seemingly had boundless energy.
I realized by doing this I was not working with my trait but fighting against it, creating imbalance and conflict within me. I needed to flow with who I am and embrace it. I realized that my sensitivity wasn’t a weakness but rather a unique strength that allowed me to perceive and understand the world in a more nuanced way.
4. Embracing My High Sensitivity
This felt like the biggest step for me: accepting my sensitive self and traits. Acceptance was easier said than done; I had to win the battle over negative thoughts and perceptions.
The belief that sensitive people were weak and couldn’t handle life was ingrained. Since childhood, I perceived toughness as good and convinced myself I was tough. This made changing my perception challenging; I had to focus on replacing it with new, healthy thoughts. This change came slowly, and being grateful helped. Every day, I found something in myself to be grateful for. At first, some things felt disingenuous, but the more I thought about it, the more I found wonderful things about being sensitive.
Being an HSP is highly rewarding. Processing things at a deeper level may over-arouse your nervous system, but it allows you to experience life more vividly. Positive emotions such as joy and awe, the beauty of nature and art, or a deep conversation can be elevating. While listening and empathizing with someone may be draining, feeling what someone else feels and being there for them in their dark moments is special.
Instead of focusing on the negatives, I decided to turn being different into a superpower.
5. A Lesson
Being focused on battling the negatives, I missed out on meaningful things. It took a fresh wake-up call to remind me of what is important.
I attended a workshop with my family to learn about terrarium building when a friendly lady approached me. She showed me a picture of her dark-haired friend who had recently died of cancer, saying I reminded her of her. Unsure of how to respond at the time, I now realize it seems silly, given I’m no stranger to loss.
Wherever I go, people say I look familiar. I usually just say I have that kind of face, so I regretfully ignored it.
After we left, I realized I had missed a significant moment to use my superpower. These tiny moments can make a massive difference. I should have paid her my full attention, squeezed her hand while sympathizing with her loss, and offered her a hug. This could have brought her comfort. It would have comforted me too, as I’m dealing with loss myself. I regret my actions and wish I could see the lady again.
If you are reading this, friendly lady from Noordhoek, Cape Town, please accept my deepest apology. I wish for a do-over. You helped me to remember that great things often come from small gestures that bring kindness and hope. I need to be in a positive space to be open and sensitive to them.
6. The Dance
These days, I practice self-care not to control my high sensitivity as if it were a monster that needs to be roped and tamed, but as a dance I’m still learning. I think this is a much more positive perspective.
Some days I follow the rhythm and my feet flow effortlessly, while other times I fumble and trip up. But the longer I dance, the better I get.
It is said that what we focus on grows, so I’ve shifted my attention to the positives instead of battling difficulties. It’s easy to lose track and get entangled in self-improvement.
Once you open yourself to opportunities, more will come your way. So, in small moments, I remain open and aware to not miss an opportunity to be a light in someone’s darkness.
There’s more to come, and I’m still learning the steps to this dance, aware that it will be an ever-evolving and changing experience. I look forward to the future and to doing good in the world by empowering my sensitivity.
Conclusion
Being highly sensitive is a unique trait that comes with both challenges and rewards. By embracing our sensitivity, practicing self-care, and finding balance, we can harness our strengths and navigate the world more effectively. It’s important to remember that our sensitivity is not a weakness but a powerful tool for empathy, creativity, and deep understanding. As we continue to learn and grow, we can use our heightened awareness to make a positive impact on those around us and find fulfillment in our daily lives.
Image by @sealife_madeleinwolf
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