Finding strength and purpose when life pulls you off course
I’ve been like an untethered boat drifting out in the deepest of seas for far too long. Out there in the unknown, where gusts howl like hungry wolves and waves tower beyond measure. “What do you want from me?!” My voice drowned in the stormy wind, I held on for dear life to the flicker of my dreams.
I hated it. The unknown. I wanted to know, no, I needed to know. I anticipate, plan, prepare and that’s what makes me feel safe.
But, in this wide open sea that’s mostly been relentless in its harassing of me, I have learned that nowhere is safe, and that I can never really know. That is an illusion.
I have realized that it’s here, in the unknown, where I become known. In the rough seas, I see me. Will the person I become save me? That is who I want to be. Able. Brave. Strong. But more often than not, I find myself shrinking away. I keep fighting, lifting my head every day. That must count for something, I hope and pray.
These wild waters have carved lessons on my soul, and pain and sorrows have shaped me anew. There’s little choice in what life throws our way; the fantasy that we have control can evaporate in a day. A cruel awakening from our comfortable rest, or life’s way of calling us to deeper waters?
Surrender. This word follows me through life, again. Rigidly holding on to the picture I planned kept me from what may be, but this sea has pried open my white-knuckled fists. Loss clouded me like thick smoke and all I could see was my dwindling hope. I stopped. Right at the edge of a very dark place, I decided to turn.
Now, I see a faint light in the distance, painting a new picture I can’t yet make out. Maybe I’ll wake up to a whale spout, on a calm sea with thousands of stars shining only for me. Or maybe it will be the break of dawn over the never-ending horizon, with the most beautiful colors I have ever seen and crystal clear waters inviting me in.
Whatever it may be, it will be new and wonderful and built from scratch. Beauty made from the ashes. And I am able, braver than I’ve ever been and stronger than I ever dreamed. That’s what I’m becoming, navigating these treacherous seas.
I cannot yet clearly see, but it was never meant to be. Lest I focus only with the end in sight, I’ll miss all the adventures of the in-between, the here and now.
So, here I am, waters. “Here I am, seas, do as you like!” I’ll either make it to the other side, with stories to tell of adventures with those I love by my side. Or I’ll go down to the deep watery grave knowing that at least I was brave. I enjoyed every moment of building a life, with moments and memories made in the in-between. Life is now, I need to live it.